I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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