The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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