Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
