we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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