end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
