You're so nebulous sometimes
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
