When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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