he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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