Sry I called you an 8
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
