So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
