Please, let me fuck your mom
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
