yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
