after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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