Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
