If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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