It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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