I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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