I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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