My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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