i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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