No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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