yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
