K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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