I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
