He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
