I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
