you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
