you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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