What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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