You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
