Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
