well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
