dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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