It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
