i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Pants are for mortals
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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