Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
