I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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