I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
