Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
