Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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