Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
