I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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