So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace