nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
