you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No subtext here. People are naked.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
