So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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