You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
