He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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