Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
