you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
