I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
being pregnant is like rehab
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
