hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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