Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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