Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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