I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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