Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
